


The minor fall, the major lift

by terminallyCosplay



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: AU, Anxiety, College Setting, Connor Lives AU, Connor's past is him being an asshole, Depression, Eating Disorders, F/M, I don't describe the suicides to graphically but there's a ton of mentions in chapter one okay, Jared Plays Cello, M/M, PTSD symptoms, Zoe is in a band, jazz band!, multiple suicide attempts are mentioned, orchestra AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-02 15:10:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12728994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terminallyCosplay/pseuds/terminallyCosplay
Summary: Zoe plays guitar and sings for Jazz bands, and she’s the only musical one of her group. Right? That changes her world and her fate when Evan blows off Jared on the wrong night.





	1. Black Orchid

**Author's Note:**

> A lifetime of moments can be lived out in a couple years if the right person is at the wheel. For Jared Kleinman, he can’t seem to separate the memories of him and how other people have shaped him as how he is. The darkness is easier to flood the good, after all.

 

 

_A lifetime of moments can be lived out in a couple years if the right person is at the wheel. For Jared Kleinman, he can’t seem to separate the memories of him and how other people have shaped him as how he is. The darkness is easier to flood the good, after all._

* * *

 

“I can’t keep doing this,” Jared says quietly to him. The two of them are still panting, breathless, in the curtains draping the private box upstairs. He runs a hand through Jared’s short hair, and squeezes his side. Jared winces. “I’ve been trying to lose the weight!” he says quickly.

“Guess you haven’t been trying hard enough,” the voice says.

“I’ll try harder,” Jared says as he looks at him, trying to ignore the begging tone in his own voice as he wants to stay, wants to please him.

“You better, or I’ll leave you for someone cuter,” the other says, and despite the teasing tone, Jared knows it’s true. He just hopes he can be perfect for him.

“Yeah well. Maybe I’ll do the same,” Jared tells him, though he knows he can’t. He bites his lip.

“No one else would want to date a freak like you,” the other says. Jared can agree.

The other pulls him in close. It’s possessive, and as always, Jared gives himself up completely to the other human, grateful that the person he liked would even dare to touch him. He can’t complain really. He barely deserved this.

 

* * *

 

Jared feels his heart skipping a beat. More than a beat. He looks up at him and he can feel his heart catch. “You’re what?” he asked. Maybe his heart had stopped?

His brain can’t compute what is happening. There’s no way that this is happening, he repeats to himself, even though he’s feared it for months. Don’t devote yourself to someone, he should have remembered that.

“Yeah, breaking up with you. We’re not… we’re not compatible Jared. You’re too high strung and needy. Plus you’re still kind of fat and that’s…gross. I told you that I’d leave you for someone else,” he reminds him. “I mean really, and you want to go public? Dude that’s asking for problems,” he adds.

Jared just nods. He can’t argue with what the other person is saying. The other is right, and Jared is ugly and gross.

“Sorry,” he simply says, even though he feels like his heart is breaking.

“Sorry doesn’t change who you are,” he tells him with a shrug. There aren’t any more words said as Jared is left standing there, alone in the theater. This is why he didn’t want to fall in love.

 

* * *

 

He takes a deep breath as he looks at everyone else in the box around him. Nothing is right, his entire world feels numb. He looks at them and smiles, and then he just breathes in and out. He laughs as he listens to Moira talk to the twins, leaning back into the railing. Nothing was the same and Jared had yet to recover from his break up. He smiles at them, and one of the twins turns to talk to him. He’s sixteen years old, and he knows that he can do whatever he wants. He wants to let it go, to breathe easier, and to quit feeling like everyone else is on eggshells around him lately. He’s lost so much weight, he can barely function. He feels dizzy all the time, but if he laughs, if he makes a shitty joke, he proves that he’s okay.

He feels the railing against his leg, and then he feels his drink slip from his hand. He reaches for it, then he falls. The world doesn’t slow down, or stop. He hits hard, and the world goes dark. There are distant screams and cries, but none of that has to bother him anymore. He’s finally free of all the bullshit, he realizes. That’s okay.

 

* * *

 

Somehow things get worse. Everything hurts. It hurts to move. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to think about where he had been before. It just hurts. He can’t lift his arms, and he can’t play his cello. He just wants to curl up and not wake up, because not being able to do anything is the worst than he had thought he’d end up. He can’t see straight, they have to change his glasses. He hates how his mother looks at him now, hate’s how his sisters see him. He hates the pity more than anything else. His friends leave, he’s single, he only has Evan. Having Evan is good, until it’s not good. A person like Jared can only hurt him, and he knows he will. Jared hears about the fall in their senior year. He’s not surprised, but he doesn’t bring it up. He doesn’t bring it up again a few weeks later after an encounter with Connor. He never brings it up, because that means he’ll be a hypocrite. He can’t tell them they shouldn’t have.  He keeps lying, because lying is the only thing he has left, besides his cello, and he can’t play that yet.

 

* * *

 

“Okay Jared. Simply, draw a circle. That circle is your world.” The therapist said. “Inside of your circle is you, write your name down, alright? All the things inside of the circle make up who you are, the integral parts of you,” she adds as she looks at him. “The other things- the people you love, things that they do that affect you, they touch the circle, but they aren’t in the circle. Okay? Those things are outside your control.”

Jared nods as he does what she asks. He draws the circle, and then he writes his name on the inside of it. He gets to _Connor_ on the outside, and beneath his name he writes _falling._ He’s definitely had worse sessions than this, but he can’t get anything else out. Jared probably wasn’t meant for therapy anyway. Jared probably wasn’t meant for healing, and piecing himself back together. Therapy was better for people who had more chances left, and Jared didn’t. He tells his mother he doesn’t need to go anymore, and she’s ecstatic. At least one of them thinks he hasn’t given up.

 

* * *

 

Oddly, Jared can find some peace in himself. It stands in his instrument, it comes whenever his sister Leah puts a kid in his lap, and he’s settled. He loves being an uncle, but he doesn’t start healing until he starts playing cello again. It’s almost the end of his senior year before he starts playing again. He finds peace, and his old mentor is glad for this respite from the edge. Jared is healing, and that means that there might be some sort of future for him after all. It’s senior year, and Jared makes it into the orchestra again.  He barely makes it, he’s third chair, but it’s something for him to live for and look forward too. He decides not to tell anyone that he does play, because who would really care? He also doesn’t want the attention on himself, as a group of fans immediately start lavishing the returning youngest member with gifts. Jared Kleinman is still broken.

 

* * *

 

Jared sighs as he walks the hallways at school. He’s late to class, but he’s usually late. They know why, and they don’t bring it up. AP kids are granted a certain amount of freedom as they’re constantly stressed.  He walks by Evan, and forces a smile. “Hey- Hansen, I know you don’t have weekend plans, but I wondered how you’d feel about going to a concert with me- I got premo tickets for FREE dude,” he tells him.

“I uh. I can’t? I can’t. I have plans,” Evan mumbles at him, and Jared huffs in surprise in response.

The stress is clear on Evan’s face, and Jared can play off being the bitchy mean one for a bit longer.

“yeah, right sure-“

“I mean it! I have a date!” he says, turning bright red.

“Right,” Jared says as he looks at him. “You have a date with who?” he asked.

“Connor Murphy!” he tells him.

Jared feels like he’s been slapped. Or kicked. Or, maybe like he’s falling again. What he does know is that suddenly, he has no plans and doesn’t know if he can even go enjoy the music anymore. The color drains out of him. That night when he goes home, he plays cello for eight hours straight. No one cares he’s not at school the next day.

 

* * *

 

Jared’s getting used to being blown off by Evan. He’s almost pining after his friend, but he knows that’s not quite right. He just misses people, but he’s too afraid of getting burned again. Evan is his only friend, and Jared needed him in order to get okay again. He sighs as he looks at him, not bothering to ask. It’s getting close to Christmas, and that time has never been good for Jared. “I’ve got a concert coming up,” he reminds him quietly, though he’s sure this Evan won’t remember. This Evan is all about ignoring Jared, and Jared can’t blame him. He’s the reason why Evan won’t speak to him after all. He sighs, and then resigns himself to his fate of being the barely in the background type of guy. He smiles. “Good talk, smell ya later,” he adds as he leaves the cafeteria. He goes and sends himself home. The office doesn’t mind, they’re used to stressed out AP kids. Jared doesn’t need anyone at the concert. He’s glad when Leah shows up, the tiny ball of his nephew in her lap waving down at the pit. Jared only smiles when he starts wailing during the second act of the ballet. Thank God something good was there.

 

* * *

 

Jared doesn’t bother reminding him as he sits next to Evan talking a mile a minute. Evan, who used to never talk at all. Connor is sitting near him, and Evan is leaning into his side. Jared feels the lump in his throat as he looks at the two of them, and then excuses himself to go practice cello. He can’t be mad about it, because fuck, the two of them actually look happy and healthy for once in their lives. Jared Kleinman can’t be the one to take that away from them. Connor raises an eyebrow and Evan grins wide. “Have fun! I know you’re going to be amazing! Connor, about our camping trip? When do you think we should leave? Like, right after classes, right? We’re going to graduate soon and then BAM! We’re out in the real world!” he says, sounding anxious and hyped. Jared doesn’t hesitate. He doesn’t actually need his only friends to be there for his solo debut. He can be alone. He accidentally bumps into her, and he bites his lip. “sorry, I’m such a fucking klutz,” he tells Zoe as he starts picking up sheet music. Swan lake is sticking out on a piece and he feels his breath catch. “You study classical?” he asks, looking at her.

“We’re kind of forced to?” she reminds him snippily.  
Jared nods. “Right?” he asks, pretending he doesn’t breathe classical music.

 

* * *

 

He’s sitting in computer class when the feeling hits him again. One second, he’s perfectly fine. The next minute he’s in the parking lot, calling his friend up. He needs some advice, and some quick advice. He finally dials the number, and Moira answers. He can’t even answer her when she greets him. A broken sob escapes his chest, and she accepts him.

“I’ll pick you up, we can eat at red lobster, and then I’ll take you home,” she tells him.

“I’m not ready for all the bullshit again,” Jared admits quietly to her.

“We never are, honey, but you were meant to handle it,” she tells him. “I’ll be there soon, okay?” she asks, ignoring the sobs on the other end of the line as Jared broke down crying. He hangs up the phone and before long, he hears Moira in the parking lot. They ignore how upset he is as she takes him to listen to music in the city instead. He’s okay with that. He’s okay with at  least one person being okay with how awfully broken he was.

 

* * *

 

He picks up his phone, and he thinks for a moment before he turns it over. He takes a deep breath, and then looks at the clock. It’s Saturday morning, and he knows that if he doesn’t ask now, it’ll be too late.

Hey Zoe, it’s kind of last minute, but do you have plans tonight? JK

I’ve got some tickets to the orchestra tonight if you want to go.  JK

No pressure Evan just blew me off again. JK

He waits for a moment, not wanting to send anymore messages to her. He’s given up hope, and he goes to start packing his cello. The least he can do is get lost in the music for a bit longer.

For real? ZM

Dude blew me off too to go camping with Connor, we were going to binge movies at my place ZM

Yeah, I’m game I guess ZM

Pick you up at four. JK  
See you then! ZM

Thanks, Zoe. JK


	2. Into the Ocean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe has only one thing on her mind. How does she stop being Connor’s sister and become Zoe?

 

 

“Zoe, can you get out of the fucking bathroom? No amount of makeup is going to turn you into a Disney Princess,” Connor yells, pounding on the door.

Zoe knows she isn’t the prettiest girl in school, but she doesn’t need Connor to tell her that. She slams down her lip gloss on the counter, and can hear him laugh on the other side of the door.

The twelve year old feels herself tear up. All she does is throw Connor’s hairbrush at him and shove him into the shower once she lets him in the room. He’s always been a jerk and that’s not changing any time soon. She can hear Connor getting mad, but all she does is lock her door and put a chair in front of it, trying to pretend that she can’t hear him trying to break it down. This isn’t the first time this has happened, nor will it be the last. What she does do is try to pretend she’s not breaking down herself as she starts slamming her own fists into a pillow. Connor could have all the outbursts that he wants, Zoe can’t. She’s not sure why those are the rules, but they are.

 

* * *

 

 

“I don’t know why you don’t just stop goading your brother-“ Cynthia starts, and Zoe can feel the anger and hurt bubble up inside of her.

“I didn’t do anything!” Zoe says back defensively.

“You know he can’t help it Zoe, he’s just a growing boy-“

“You didn’t even ask for my side of the story!” Zoe interjects, crossing her arms, and forces herself not to cry.  

Cynthia looks worn down, and so is Zoe. She can’t help the fact that her brother is explosive. She wants nothing to do with it, just for her to be left alone. Her mother comes over with a wet rag, dabbing at a cut lip.

“You’re right, I didn’t, can you tell me what happened?” Cynthia asked.

Zoe doesn’t bother explaining. She knows they’ll take Connor’s side again. All Zoe had wanted to do was sit in his tree house for a bit because her dad hated her playing guitar in the house. She resigned herself to the fact that life wasn’t fair.  

 

* * *

 

 

The first day of high school should be fun. Zoe didn’t think it was and it was barely third period. She just wanted to get through the day and get on with her life.

“Another Murphy!”

“You gonna freak out too?” Someone teased as she walks past.

Zoe hates Connor. She hates him as she goes to her locker, trying to get the numbers into the lock without crying, but she can’t do it. She feels her breath stutter as she tries to keep herself calm. Zoe knows it’s going to be a losing battle before too long.

“Wow, another train wreck of a Murphy kid right?” Someone whispers nearby.

She hears them, but she ignores them.

“You gonna freak out too, just like your psychopath brother?” they ask.

There’s a hand in her braid and someone gives it a hard tug. Before she can think, Zoe’s swung her fist around and into that other person. She didn’t ask for this.

 

* * *

 

 

She’s grounded for weeks after the incident, and all she can do is blame Connor. He’s home less as the weeks go on, and she ignores him when he is home. She hears him and the boy that he brings over, how cruel he is to him. She hears, she ignores. She’s been taught not to be involved, and why would she be? Whenever she gets involved, she gets hurt, and then she gets blamed. The upstairs smells like weed, and Connor is definitely up to something worse. She sighs as she just waits and waits. Will it ever be over? The boy quits coming, and Zoe’s sure that the two of them have never seen each other. She stays in her room, grateful that they don’t come in her room. Anyone who’s with Connor can’t be that good of a person. She vaguely wonders if he’s been just as hurt by Connor, but then she doesn’t care anymore. Her fingers run over bars and frets, soundlessly strumming as she practices and she writes. Not her problem.

 

* * *

 

 

“Did you hear? That guy- the one that like, fights with Connor? He like, fell out of the balcony,” someone whispers.

“That’s wild, is he okay?”

“I heard he like died in the hospital or something,” someone said.

Zoe wonders vaguely if it’s the boy that had come over to her house all the time, but in the end, she’s too tired to care. Being related to Connor does that. She just goes back to playing her guitar, wondering what else she can write or that she can do. She doesn’t want to remember, she wants to forget what has been going on. She keeps her head down as she sighs, going back to her music. She needed out of here, fast. She wasn’t going to be stuck in this town. She wasn’t going to keep being Connor’s sister, even if it killed her.

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey uh, hi, you’re- you are Zoe.”

The boy’s all nerves, fiddling with his sleeves and trying to look calm. Zoe looks at him. She’s still in her dress from Jazz band and she’s got her guitar safely tucked in her case. Connor’s talking near her parents, and she’s alone for a moment. There’s another boy watching her, or maybe watching the other boy, but she doesn’t bother asking why. People at this school were freaks.

“Yes, that’s me. Zoe,” she says quickly.

“I’m-I’m- I’m Evan Hansen and you were really good you’ve always been really good I just haven’t had the nerves to tell you you’re really good, and I wanted to.” He spewed out. She could tell it’s rehearsed and he’s nervous.

“Thanks. For coming to hear me play,” she said. “It’s nice to meet you, Evan.”

He holds out a single rose to her, and she feels her cheeks heat up. She takes it, but grins. “I’ll see you around, okay, Evan?” she says as she walks away.

 

* * *

 

 

Evan wants to date, Zoe doesn’t, but that’s okay. The two of them hang out, and she’s now free to play as often as she likes at Evan’s house without interruption. She smiles as she finally gets to start writing. She wants to get better, wants to excel.

“Hey Evan?” she says, pausing between the chords.

“Yeah, Zoe?” he asks.

“You’re my best friend. I mean that. Let’s not ever change that, okay?” she asks.

“Definitely Zoe! Hanging out with you is awesome,” he tells her.

She goes back to playing, leaning into him.

“What happened to your arm again?” she asks.

“F-fell. From a tree! Like an acorn.”

“Silly Evan,” she says.

“Silly Evan,” he echoes, even though she knows it’s not silly.

 

* * *

 

 

“Wait, you can’t hang out?” she asks as she looks at him, not believing her ears.

The anger was riding back up in her, but she didn’t want to let that out on Evan, Evan was too fragile to have Murphy branded outbursts on him.

“Uh. Nope! Busy, with my friend Jared. We uh. We had plans, I can’t cancel on him,” Evan says, all blush and nerves. She sighs.

“This is like, the third weekend in a row, Hansen,” she tells him as she looks at him.

“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry,” he mumbles as he looks at her. “But.. I can’t… I can’t…” he takes a deep breath.

“Whatever,” she says, storming off. It’s not like he was that good of a friend anyway. It just sort of sucks that Evan’s her only friend, really, and now he keeps blowing her off for some Jared guy that she doesn’t really know.  Jared was just another guy that she could hate.

 

* * *

 

 

She knows why he can’t hang out with her. He’s too busy now with Jared and Connor. He sits with them, eats with them. Zoe can’t help but be bitter and hate the three of them. She storms down the hall, hating that the three of them look so happy and she’s so mad that she can’t have that too. That once again, it’s her or Connor. She quits paying attention as she walks, arms full of homework and sheet music. He accidentally bumps into her, and he bites his lip.

“Sorry, I’m such a fucking klutz,” he tells Zoe as he starts picking up her loose music.

 Swan lake is sticking out on a piece and he feels his breath catch.

“You study classical?” he asks, looking at her.  Zoe wants to smack that look off his face. Jared’s standing there, looking as if he has the reason to be hurt.

“We’re kind of forced to?” she reminds him snippily, wanting him out of her space.   
Jared nods. “Right?” he asks, pretending he doesn’t breathe classical music.

She doesn’t like how she feels guilty as she grabs her sheet music back and walks off. He doesn’t know what it’s like.

 

* * *

 

 

“What’s this?” she asked.

Connor looked at her blearily from his hospital bed to the guy standing next to him. She shouldn’t feel guilty, she tells herself. She shouldn’t feel angry.

“This is Evan? My boyfriend. He saved me.” Connor says quietly.

“Oh.” Is all she can say.

Evan looks scared, nervous. Zoe can’t help but look at him, then look at Connor. Evan mouths an apology to her, but what’s one more thing Connor’s taken from her? She bites her lip.

“I’m uh. Glad? You saved him.” Is all she can say in response. She doesn’t know if she’s really glad that he did, or if it’s what she’s expected to say, but… She’s glad.

 

* * *

 

 

Zoe tries sharing. She wants to share, she wants to quit being so jealous. She’s happy, Connor’s still alive, Evan’s happy and calm for once in his life. She realizes that the two of them as friends had never granted him that peace of mind. The only person who looked as miserable as she felt was Jared, and she relished in that. Connor and Evan had left another person broken. She knew hardly anything about him. He always looked overworked, and she knew that he had an older sister or two. He always looked just as stressed, if you looked at him the right way. She knows its mean, but she can’t help it. Jared Kleinman also had his life ruined by Connor Murphy and she enjoyed company in the misery.

 

* * *

 

 

It's a boring day at her house. Connor’s moved out, and it’s just her. She plays guitar, lounging around in sweat pants and an old hoodie. Maybe Evan’s? She doesn’t care anymore, he won’t get it back. If he even bothers to show up again. She’s getting used to him ignoring her. It was a long weekend, he was going to come over and binge movies with her. She stops as her phone pings, hoping for a moment it was Evan, but her stomach plummets.

Hey Zoe, it’s kind of last minute, but do you have plans tonight? JK

I’ve got some tickets to the orchestra tonight if you want to go.  JK

She stares at the messages. Jared. She takes a deep breath. The cocky asshole was trying to ask her out? She sighs, thinking about ignoring it when one more message comes through. She felt the same things he felt. She felt the betrayal, the hurt, the panic.

No pressure Evan just blew me off again. JK

For real? ZM

Dude blew me off too to go camping with Connor, we were going to binge movies at my place ZM

Yeah, I’m game I guess ZM

Pick you up at four. JK  
See you then! ZM

Thanks, Zoe. JK


End file.
